forever changed.

As I sit here in my apartment watching the candles burn from the 2nd night of Hanukkah I can't help but think of my family, and of course my mom. While I'm at peace with staying in LA for the holidays--with all that's going on in my life right now, adding travel and the expense to it is not quite what I need. But it doesn't make me miss everyone any less. Especially my mom. I can't help but remember my first Hanukkah in LA back in 2009, I didn't go back for that either b/c I had just been home for Thanksgiving (similar to this year) and Mom was so crushed. If only I had known that it would be our last with her. I remember how happy she was when Dad bought her a camera for the computer so we could video chat and she could see me. I remember crying my eyes out that weekend... and really I had no idea what was to come. And now I sit here with similar emotions of feeling so far from those I love and truly wishing more than anything my mom was here.

I think part of what I'm trying to accept too is that holidays for me will just never be the same. My mom made everything so incredibly special. And while I'm open and happy to make new traditions, it's all her special touches and of course thoughtfulness and generosity that will always go unmatched. I also loved coming up with ideas for her and shopping for the rest of my family b/c I knew she was all about giving. And I remember that Hanukkah in 2009, even though she took me shopping on our famous Black Friday day, she of course shipped me some surprise gifts wrapped in the perfect beautiful wrap and put together in a box filled with blue tissue. Everything was always "just so." And I remember loving that I too sent her an extra surprise gift that year so we loved receiving each other's gifts. And now, well, there's just no one who's gonna do that for me now. My sister in law Stephanie is always thoughtful and sends me things (this year I LOVED my gift!)...I have to believe it's not just b/c she's thoughtful but unfortunately she knows all too well the depth of the loss i feel.

There's just nothing like the love and kindness I got from my mom....and the holidays are just forever changed for me.