happiness bubble

I had a moment on the phone the other day where I was able to hear myself talking -- as if I stepped out on my own balcony to look down and see who I had become. While I knew the meaning behind the words that I was speaking at the time, it wasn't until I heard them aloud and more specifically until I looked in on myself to realize what they truly meant.

For a long, long time I've been so driven by the idea of "success" and reaching my goals. Mainly throughout my career in advertising but even back in college trying to reach a certain GPA, then to get a job, then working my way up the corporate ladder one promotion at a time and eventually to own my own home and find the love of my life. I accomplished every single goal I've ever set out to accomplish, except I've yet to meet the love of my life. And for a long, long time that's all I could focus on. Rather than being present and seeing all that I did have, and had accomplished, I could only focus on what was missing.

One of my first ah-ha moments was the one i've written about a lot, back in 2009 when I decided to move West to paint a new canvas for myself. I didn't know what I was in search of at the time but I knew I wanted to feel fulfilled by my life -- instead of feeling like I was going through the motions and waiting for the "hole" (a husband) to be filled. And now, 3.5 years into my journey here in LA I'm realizing that I've more than accomplished what I set out for.

I found myself telling a friend that I've only ever longed to feel so happy by my life that I'm actually OK with being single. I'm not saying that means I want to stay single, it just means that I love my life enough that I'm not completely focused on someone to dropping in to sweep me off my feet and make it all "perfect." It actually feels pretty perfect the way that it is. And as I heard myself say that aloud, I realized something else: it's taken me so long to achieve this and I'm so utterly happy to finally feel this way, that I don't want anything to disrupt it. It's like I've created my own happiness bubble and I'm now afraid of popping it.

This caused me to be real honest with myself and recognize that I still do want to meet the love of my life and even though I'm happy as can be snuggled on my sofa with KoKo and a pint of ice cream -- that's likely not going to keep me happy for the rest of my life (although at times I wonder if it could, ha ha :) And I realize while I'm feeling on top of the world with the business I've created, feeling so fueled by the work I'm doing and so balanced in all areas of my life -- I can't forget to still put myself out there and let the world know I'm ready to fall in love. And that's when I realized, it's time to be vulnerable again. While I've battled back from so much pain, rebuilt my entire life and am finally at a point of true and utter happiness -- I can't let that keep me from discovering what else is out there....even if that means my bubble grows a bit bigger and is at risk of bursting, because if there's one thing I've learned it's without risk there's no reward...and risk always involves letting go and being a bit more vulnerable.