reflections from the soul

This evening, similar to other evenings and (mostly) mornings this mourning dove landed on the balcony ledge while KoKo was out there spying on squirrels. They just looked at each other for a while. He didn't pounce and it didn't move. And then in time, the dove flew off.

As I sit here and reflect on that moment while listening to some music I can't help but be reminded of my mom and the grief, pain and suffering I experienced over these last 4 years. In many ways it feels like ages ago and then again all it takes is a moment or a song to take me right back to the depths of the pain that I experienced. And while if I thought about it enough I could bring myself to tears quite easily, this evening what I instead am reminded of is the incredible amount of progress I've made.

There was a time when I seriously couldn't envision how life would ever look bright again and would I ever feel happiness?! And even if I felt happiness what would be the point if my mom wasn't here to see it, enjoy with with me (as her life joy was the happiness of her children) and support whatever it was that I was up to. While I 100% can still relate to and understand why I felt that way, I realize that I am that happy now. Somehow I managed to do it - to wake up each day and put one foot in front of the other and slowly, very very very slowly, heal. I pieced my broken heart and soul together by searching for things that could bring me peace, love, or joy. I did this because that's all I knew to do from all that I had learned from my mom. My mom lived life to the fullest and I know she wanted that and more for me, and my brothers. So to find a way to persevere in the face of absolute horror was the only way forward. One tiny step at a time.

So these past four years have certainly been about re-birth, personal development and finding a way to pick up all the pieces that were blown up and put them back together into something that didn't just make me happy but made me whole. To build a life that matched the vision I hold for myself, one that makes ME happy. And let me tell you, that's been a pretty incredible experience and one that I'm not even sure I have the words to describe how rewarding.

Today a client asked me if I miss my old career / old life - and without hesitation I responded, No. Was the money nice, sure. Was I passionate about the work and collaborative with some insanely creative and smart people, sure. But beyond that - what did I truly get from it? And more importantly - what I explained to my client is what I got in return by walking away. I got my life back to live as I see fit. I got to finally get a dog, who's increased my happiness meter exponentially - beyond any measure I could have anticipated, I got flexibility, balance, peace, joy, health, and what I'm confident will come next as a result of all the rest, love. And somehow I did all this without my mom - the one person who powered me to do anything before year 2010. Crazy.

So tonight I sign off choosing to believe that mourning dove is definitely my mom stopping by, looking in on me, saying hello to her namesake KoKo who I know she would adore more than any dog we ever owned, and leaving me with peace, love and joy because she's so proud of how I've been able to create that for myself - but because she also knows we can never have enough of it. Here's to you mom, I love you. I miss you. Thanks for stopping by. xo