can you love something too much?

I feel quite fortunate to say that when I recall my childhood I think about my mom and how she loved me. My mother was the type of woman who loved those she cared about above and beyond anything else, even herself. I admired this about her as I grew into an adult, as someone who reaped the benefits of her love, it felt good, I loved and respected it. I knew that NO MATTER WHAT my mother would be there - I would never, ever have to worry about someone being there for me when times were rough because she always was. She showed up. No questions asked. No matter what. She was there.

Now that she's gone I realize how much I've come to miss this. In a severely empty way. Because the reality is the way my mom loved me (and my family) is not common. For someone to give you love so completely, so unconditionally, without any care or concern for their own needs, so incredibly generously - it's unparalleled to the love that I would guess the majority of us have EVER experienced. And I've yet to experience anything like that since she's left my life.

I've also realized that this is how I've learned to love others, especially men, because it's the way I was taught to love and they way I saw my mom love my dad. This is a beautiful thing in may ways. Except when you realize it's at the expense of yourself. I realized just a few years ago when working with one of my coaches the reason why the airplane folks tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself FIRST and then on those who need assistance (children). Because the reality is you are no good to anyone else unless you are taking care of yourself first. So when you love people at the expense of your own needs, you are actually hurting yourself. While it might feel good to love them that unconditionally - you may have to realize if you're hurting yourself in the process it's not as great as you think. I'm not sure my mom fully realized that before her time was up. And perhaps that's one of the many lessons her death will teach me. Because I think I'm realizing that now.

As a Coach I realize this is F**King hard to change. When something is in your DNA, your personal programming from the way you were raised and loved, it's damn hard to un-do. Yes awareness is the fist step and is helpful but it's still not easy to un-do your own programming and to learn a new way. To learn how to love unconditionally but in a way that serves you vs does not. It feels foreign, and as a result uncomfortable, not worth it, wrong, and so many other things that makes your body fight it with every fiber of its being.

So here I am in the fight of what I know to be my own programming and what I know of that programming to feel incredible yet I'm seeing how at this point in my life it's not serving me and is actually causing me some pain. At the risk of stating the obvious - this is NOT a comfortable place to be. UGH.

So here's to sitting in the space you're not used to, not comfortable with, and trying to learn how to trust what you need vs what you know.