from the darkside to the light

It's very rare that I'm ever at a loss for words. And as I sit down to write this post I realize I'm still struggling to come up with the most accurate words to describe what I've just been through.

While my professional life and life in Austin are going amazingly well, the last several months have been incredibly difficult for me personally. I came to a few powerful realizations that were very painful to accept and that left me feeling incredibly alone, sad and in a lot of emotional pain. From having to accept that the man I fell head over heels in love with and truly believed I would spend the rest of my life with is not in the same place that I am and has shut me out of his life with no closure. To the fact that I've also lost the one person who was ALWAYS there for me to cheer me up, to drop words of wisdom, to listen or to just simply never, ever give up on me - my mom. My mom loved me in such a way that was all encompassing and completely unconditional and each time I look for that from other family members etc and don't find it it's very painful.

So by the end of February after having a pretty intense emotional breakdown, I looked at my life and how I was living it and how much pain I was in and knew something needed to change ASAP. I spoke to my old coach who's had such an incredible impact on my life and we agreed that it was time for me to go through the Hoffman Process. The Hoffman Institute is a place where people go to heal, to discover who they are, to leave behind all the negative patterns in their life that are keeping them from living the life they want. It's an exceptionally special place and one that I'm still not sure how to articulate how incredibly powerful and impactful the work is. I just know I went into the process in a shit ton of a pain and 9 days later on this beautiful estate in St Helena CA (completely free of any substances and no contact with the outside world) I left as the beautiful spirit that I am full of life, joy, inspiration and gratitude. Beyond that what was equally as powerful if not more was watching the 37 people I went through the program with come in as one person and leave as someone so much lighter and happier it was truly, truly unbelievable.

During my time in the program I faced head on every single one of the patterns that I've adopted from childhood and how they are impacting my life today. How my expectations of others, specifically the man I want to marry, are well beyond healthy and acceptable. How I learned how to love in such an all encompassing way from my mom but love without boundaries and an equal amount of self love is not healthy love. How caring for someone else's needs over your own is not healthy and does not = love. How I struggled to get attention from my father as a child so that led me to dating many self centered men who didn't give me much attention. How I tried to fit in and gain the love and acceptance of my brothers growing up so I took on many male/masculine qualities thinking that would attract men my way once I started dating. How I'm incredibly hard on myself and not very forgiving when I make mistakes. How I completely isolate and push out those who love me and want to support me when I'm having a difficult time. How I've managed to cut intimacy completely out of my life. How I thought I had a good amount of self love but in reality I don't have nearly enough love and compassion for myself / my quadrinity - my body, my emotional self, my intellect AND my spirit self. In net sum I realized I'm carrying around the shame beliefs that I don't matter and that I'm too different and no one will love me for exactly who I am.

In realizing all of this I was then able to move THROUGH the rest in a way that allowed me to honor, process and purge the emotions around these patterns and the impact they've had on my life while also finding compassion and forgiveness for those who I've allowed to hurt me and who I've also caused pain for, including myself first and foremost. I also gained a lot of tools for how to manage and overcome the moments when these patterns strike again, because clearly they are still present but the difference is they are no longer calling the shots in my life. I'm in touch with my own sense of self and I no longer feel controlled by reactions and instead I have clarity, peace and security in my own instincts and intuition. It was wild to see when I put my intellect to rest and allow my intuition to kick in that I had quite a few "physic moments" and realized I simply must follow my intuition - it does know. That alone is worth a lifetime of gratitude and every dollar and more that I paid for this life changing program.

So all this to say - I went to the darkside and I hung there for a while and realized this is not what I choose - I choose life. So I went and found the light - where life is pretty fuckin beautiful. I'm proud of myself as this was not easy and I accept that it's another part of the journey. One that I know me and my life...and my future partner and my friends and family and clients are all better off as a result. That feels fantastic.

So as I vowed in front of my 37 classmates and 6 teachers 10 days ago I'll vow again here - I'm letting go of always needing to have a plan, being overly focused on others needs, and being so hard on myself and I'm taking on curiosity, my intuitive spirit self, lots of self love and compassion, and I'm vowing to have A LOT MORE FUN! So look out Austin as this is gonna be one hell of a year. I'm turning 40 soon and there's no looking back - life is ahead and it's gonna be one hell of a ride from here on out. YEE-HAW!