the unfamiliar feeling of good

It's been so long that I haven't woke up just feeling "shitty." And somewhere in the last few weeks I realized that I'm rediscovering that unfamiliar feeling of "good" or "not-so-shitty." And I've actually had weird feelings of either guilt or just uneasiness--almost like it's been such a dark 8 months that I'm needing to adjust to having found a light at the end of the tunnel. And tonight in therapy I had a few realizations.

Over these last 8 months I've found that I connect more with people that have been where I am, who have lost a parent or someone who played a significant role in their life. I've almost hung on their every word looking for hope and inspiration that I too can survive this. And part of what I've heard over and over again is: it doesn't really get easier with time, it just gets different. And that's been difficult to hear b/c I'm used to finding a silver lining in anything and using that to keep a positive hopeful aspect on life. And all of a sudden, I started to wonder, does grief not allow for that?

I'm not sure "easier" is the word--there's nothing easy about losing your best friend, the woman who raised you and was your biggest supporter your entire life, your mom. But 8 months in, I do feel a sense of progress and for the first time in a very long time, I feel not just ok, but good. And I realize that's much to do with the fact that I took 5 long months to face head on this hand I've been dealt--the loss of the #1 person in my life. Not only did I leave my job and decide to focus on my personal grieving process, but I did it virtually alone, and with therapy. I never would've imagined I could survive what happened this past year and never in a million years being away from my family and lifetime of good friends. But I did. And I truly believe I'm feeling something today that maybe many who have gone through similar losses have yet to feel b/c I tackled my grief straight on. My mind, body and soul went to the depths of my pain these past 5 months. It was a long, dark, lonely summer full of sadness. But I definitely have come out the other side. And while I miss my mom terribly every day, I'm better prepared to handle my grief now, to accept it when I rears its ugly head and to otherwise, find new ways to connect with my mom.

So today I tell myself it's ok to feel good b/c I worked really hard at recognizing and feeling all of the bad, and it's time for some good. I know plenty of bad still lies ahead, moments, holidays, memories w/o mom, etc but for now I'm gonna feel just how my mom would want me to feel, GOOD. And as if it was right on cue (something I've been waiting for 8 months to happen), as I turned on my car to head home from therapy tonight, there was Forever Young on the radio :)