the aftermath

I'm sure many of you have been wondering how I am after the weekend and week that marks the year of my mom's passing and funeral (and thank you for all the emails, texts, etc). Short answer, I'm good. Last weekend was tough, in fact I think harder that I thought. I think I thought like other things this year have been that the anticipation would be worse than the day. And many people had said that to me. But the day was pretty hard on me. Perhaps it was because of the way I chose to honor it--to really be in it--and to do that "publicly." In the end, I'm very happy I had each of the good girl friends I've made out here in LA by my side but looking back, perhaps it was slightly harder allowing myself to grieve and feel the pain along with them.

Largely I've gotten this this entire process alone and with my therapist...I haven't really cried or opened up all that much to anyone else. So this was a day that I wanted my new friends to feel like they could have some insight into my mom, who she was and what type of relationship we had. So I decided to share with them the letter that I read at her funeral and of course the Forever Young song. Not because it's something that was part of the funeral, but because the entire letter is about celebrating and honoring the special things that my mom taught me and all the things I want to always cherish and hold true to in her memory. So that's what I did and you can imagine that was emotional but I got through it and as my therapist said--it seems like I feel "cleansed" after it. And that's an interesting word, not sure it's 100% right, but I did feel really good afterwards. I'm ready to start going through the rest of this journey--learning to live w/o my mom--with those around me that love and care for me. I don't want to face it alone anymore. So this was a perfect day to push myself to do so and in the end, I felt pretty great afterwards.

We shared a lovely day together--one that my mom would've absolutely loved. We hit this little vineyard in Malibu, tucked in the hills, and we all brought food for a picnic and then bought their wine to enjoy. You'll see in the pictures--it was just a lovely day. Then we hit the beach for the sunset but the marine layer had other plans. But it was still nice to wind the day down with my feet in the sand and gazing out on the sky and ocean thinking of where mom is now.

So all in all, i'm feeling pretty good. I survived year one, which I honestly still can't believe. But I did it, and I'm feeling ready to look forward, not back. I hold my mom in my heart and miss her terribly all the time, but I know she was so happy for me that I ventured out here to paint my own canvas, so that shall be my focus from now on. So look out LA...here I come!