on the heels of a milestone.

It's amazing when you're sick, no matter what age, and what illness, you just want your mommy. At least I do. I miss her calling to remind me to drink lots of fluids. Or asking me if I've called the dr yet. Or when I was close by her making me her famous chicken noodle soup which I think could cure anything. The little things...i miss them all.

As I spend this week and weekend with my mom and last year heavily weighing on my mind, I'm trying to remember all that she represents for me and all that I love and continue to miss. I've spent nearly a year now trying to escape the horrible flashbacks from those 3 weeks in the hospital, the bad dreams where I wake up out of breath and in tears and the images, that as much as I wish it weren't so, that are ingrained in my mind of her on her last few days. I've worked really hard at letting my subconscience catch up with my conscience and slowly ease those vivid thoughts. And I spent a lot of time doing that, crying, journaling and working through it all with my therapist. And while just like the strike of a cord, I can be right back there if I try, crying like it was yesterday, I'm finally getting to the point where I can see it/remember it and then channel it so my thoughts can go to a happier place.

So that's why this weekend, particularly on Sunday, I'm choosing to not lock myself away in that dark place alone but instead honor and remember my mom the way she deserves and how she would want. I've asked my 8 girlfriends whom I spend the majority of my time with here in LA--all but 2 I just met this past year--to spend the day with me. I want to celebrate not just my mom but my own journey. I made it--1 year--the worst possible year of my life and I survived. I'm still not sure how when I step outside of myself and think about it--but when I think about how hard I worked, I know how I survived. And while all of it I did virtually alone, my experience and level of happiness today wouldn't be what it is w/o the friends I've been able to meet and grow close to this past year in LA.

So off to the Malibu mountains we go to a tiny vineyard called Malibu Family Wines. I actually went for the first time when Shawn was here and we just fell in love with it. It's a super chill backyard filled with picnic tables and adirondack chairs and you can picnic and enjoy their wine while the sun is beaming in through the trees and you overlook the vineyard. So I will spend Sunday afternoon sharing stories of my mom with my friends and raising a glass (or a few) to her and how amazing she is. From there, we plan to cap the day with what i'm sure will be a beautiful sunset on the beach--perfect way to let that day come to a close.

I know many of you will be thinking of me and wondering how I am. So I wanted to let you know I'm ready for this and I will not be alone. So don't be alarmed if you don't reach me or hear from me...know I'm ok, and I'm sure I'll report back here on how the day went. xoxo