letting go...

As you may have sensed I've been doing a lot of looking inside lately as I think about what's next for me, what does this new journey I'm on look like. And in looking inside, I've also been opening myself up to others, partially as part of a process where I'm learning how it feels to be coached, but also because it's important that we all tell our stories. It's in saying the words out loud and then taking pause to hear those words and think about they make you feel.

So last night I was out w/ some women that I have dinner and drinks w/ from time to time. A strong, independent group of women. And I found myself saying how this time in my life feels very rich and that this personal journey that I've found myself on feels very right. And for the first time in my life (truly, ever I think), I feeling like I want to let go of the feelings, the pressure I put on myself, about finding the ONE. For the first time, I don't want to look. I just want to be on this fantastical journey I've just boarded and ride that train. I want to work toward the new goals I've set for myself personally. I want to enjoy the journey, and the view along the way. And most of all, I want to feel confident in knowing he will come, when it's right, my person will show up. But it's not a process or timing that I can control, and that's something I finally feel ready to accept.

It's funny how revelations such as these can happen. It was last Sunday when someone I had only recently gotten to know had observed me sharing my story of being single: the trials and tribulations of dating, and how it's an ongoing struggle to "keep at it" and a process that I've grown to hate. But one that I feel I need to still make time for, still make an effort, because the outcome of finding my person is one that's very important to me. After hearing all that, he later came up to me and said, I want to try asking you something. I said OK, shoot. He said "do you feel like you're looking to give yourself permission to let go of something?" At first reaction, I thought, well no, I don't think so. But as that thought has swam around my subconscious this past week, and after talking freely to my friends last night, I think I now know the answer.

Yes, I am longing to give myself the permission to not feel like finding my person is my job and responsibility.

So back to the title of this entry, i'm letting go. I'm giving myself that permission to let go. And only a few moments into this revelation, I can tell, it already feels amazing.