a day of indulgence

Today marks 3 years to the date that my mom died, the single most traumatic day and event of my entire life thus far. And as this blog illustrates it's been quite a ride since this said date of 2/13/10. Lots of grief and sadness, yet also lots of change and inspiration. They say that often when someone experiences the death of a loved one it can be transformative. That the survivor is impacted in such a way they transform their life as a result, with the death or more specifically the person who died being the catalyst for such change. And that's certainly true for me.

While I wasn't able to give my mom a specific explanation for why I wanted to move to LA back in the Fall of 2009, I just knew I wanted to start a new journey, to paint a new canvas for my life as I put it. And while I would've never imagined what was about to ensue just four months after I settled myself in Santa Monica, it is now abundantly clear to me that my move west was the first step to transforming my life without my mom in it.

So as I reflect back on these 3 years it's striking how moments from february 12-13th 2010 are still so vivid in my mind and in many ways feel like yesterday but then I as I sit back and look around I realize nothing is the same in my life. And not just because it still feels like there's a gaping hole for what used to be filled by my mom's unconditional love and support but because I have transformed. In every sense of the word. New city, new career, new home, new companion (mr koko the dog), new friends...all in all a new life. I've gone and painted that canvas I told my mom I wanted to paint and little did we both know that her death would be the catalyst to all I've been able to do. Wow...she's still amazing me even when she's gone. And that deserves to be honored.

One thing I always said about my mom is she lived life to the fullest -- she knew how to enjoy herself and together we loved to indulge in our favorite things. So I started at dinner last night with an amazing burger (mom loved a big mac, I opted for a restaurant burger :), a glass of wine and it happens to be that this place is known for its donuts -- another favorite of moms so I capped off my dinner with those and had the leftovers for breakfast today :) Now I'm off to take mr KoKo, who's named after Mom, to the doggie beach so we can be in a place mom loved and leave her a rose in the ocean and then I plan to get a manicure -- something Mom and I loved to do together for as long as I can remember and throughout the day I plan to indulge in any other treats I can find that I know she would enjoy. So while the calendar date always promises to bring a mix of heavy emotions, the ways in which I chose to honor my mom's memory have and will continue to bring me sweetness and joy and that's what I know she'd want most.