a moment of peace

A couple of weeks ago when I was at Our House, the grief center where I co-lead a support group, people were saying that for the entire couple weeks leading up to the "anniversary" of their person dying they dread it. It was quite comforting for me to hear but it was also tough as well -- some of these people lost their mom or loved one 8, 10, 12 years ago. A part of me wanted to think that it would be "different" by then. And while I'm sure it will be "different" I can also see just by having the 3rd year anniversary just around the corner that it's no less memorable or painful.

My mom's diagnosis to death was 34 days in total. And right now we are right in the midst of what those 4-6 weeks were like. She was diagnosed on January 8th and died on February 13th -- crazy. So as a new year begins each year it's still very present in my mind that we are entering into what felt like a war zone time in my life. And as I turn the calendar to February it just reminds me that the dreaded day is just around the corner. The day I lost the most important person in my life.

So as all of these thoughts are roaming around in my mind I've noticed that the re-occuring dream (or nightmare it sometimes feels like) that I've had since my mom has died has been ever so present. But last night was the first time it had a new twist from the typical one. In the typical one my mom and I know she's dying, we're home and we're able to talk about it which then leads to hugs and sobbing tears as we both come to terms with a life w/o one another in it. But last night I remember we both were together, at home, but there were no tears. And we didn't have to say a whole lot, we just knew that the day was coming but yet b/c we had said all that we needed to say about what had happened, we were at peace. It actually felt like a good dream b/c I long to feel that way in real life as that's a moment I feel we just never got to have. I always imagined it happening once we got her home but b/c we never did, (and b/c her breathing tube never came out) we couldn't talk about what was really happening.

So as my mind continues to try and make sense of that, or accept it on some deeper level, my heart seems to have found some peace with it last night. I can only hope the version of the dream from the last 3 years is officially done and my mom can start to enter my dreams in a happy way...that would be so nice.