vulnerability hangover

As Brene Brown so brilliantly titled it in her second Ted Talk about Shame - she had experienced a "vulnerability hangover" after her first Ted Talk on Vulnerability went completely viral. She was working on showing up and being brave with all the research she had spent years doing but she wasn't quite prepared for the onset of views, interest and most of all the critical comments that came along with it. But it's the moments we don't see coming and the ones that feel like they throw us the most off course that we learn the most from.

I have a whole new appreciation of what a "vulnerability hangover" actual is AND what it feels like. As I've been in one all week. This past weekend I signed up for a "3-day intensive' (you know when the word "intensive" is involved you're in trouble...) with two coaches who had been certified in Brene Brown's research and are now helping to move others through the work. It was in Phoenix AZ and it was Friday, Saturday and Sunday from early AM until evening. And at the conclusion of each day you had homework. It was intense, that's for sure.

Myself and 7 other women showed up ready and willing to face our shame and to dare greatly. We each showed up with an "arena" of our life we'd like to show up, be seen and live brave. For me - it was love / falling in love. SO like with anything you're trying to accomplish for yourself the focus really needs to be - what's getting in the way. And based on Brene's research, it's often some level of shame. Some level of not feeling enough. Some level of fear around being unworthy, unlovely and unable to connect. We all have it, as Brene says, the only people who don't experience shame are complete sociopaths so you actually want to opt and admit that you have shame.

Between holding space for 7 other people and providing them with undivided attention and empathy while also trying to process and move through your own insights around your same - well let's just say it's a lot. Your brain becomes full, becomes fried and you leave feeling completely drained. Like beyond a hangover. And so that's what I returned to this week as I'm trying to decompress, process and re-set myself. On top of that partly due to the work I did over the weekend and partly due to other circumstances I had to come to terms with something that's only now abundantly clear to me. You can't pour the foundation down on a new building while the old one is still being torn down. It doesn't work - it's out of order, it affects the strength and stability of the new foundation while also impacting the work being done to ensure the tear down is as clean and effective as possible.

No matter how vulnerable I've worked up the courage to be if the timing isn't right for the other person, if the old building isn't torn down yet, it doesn't matter. So sometimes you have to step back, pause and recognize that it's not your time. And holding that in the most positive light and not allowing it to feel like the same old story you know from the past. Framing this in a way that serves me and my needs and doesn't feel and fuel the demons of shame and fear.

So that's where I'm at - in the throws of a vulnerability hangover, but beginning to surface from it and see clarity all around me. I know I have work to do, I know where I get tripped up. I know where / when I'm stronger. So that's on me to cultivate along with a healthy dose of self compassion and a support network of the people I know in my heart can give me the empathy and support that I need, and that's not just anyone who will listen I've learned. So here's to leaning in, feeling, and moving through. We all need to do more of this.

Where could you be more vulnerable and allow yourself to feel more?