asking for what you need

There are things we want and there are things we need. And I don't mean the difference between new shoes and food/water but instead the things that you need to stay true to yourself. To co-exist in a relationship, job, community, etc and have it feel right to you. And by right I mean peaceful, enjoyable, enticing, exciting, motivating, you name it - whatever positive emotion that you're seeking. When instead you feel nauseous, anxious, heavy, upset, sad, or just all around unsettled chances are you aren't getting something that you need - and that is your body letting you know.

This is not to say that whatever you need you'll necessarily get but more times than not we don't 1) take the time to recognize what it is that we need or what's missing or feels off, 2) ask for it in an effort to see if we can do right by ourselves and self respect our own needs enough to address them and 3) allow ourselves the opportunity to actually see what happens when we ask.

I'm re-learning this skill. As I've mentioned before - I got good at this during my grief because I felt I had no other choice - I was purely in survival mode so just like if you're sinking into quicksand, you finally blurt out what you need to get out. That was me, I had to tell people what I needed day to day as I grew to understand what that was (with a lot of help in therapy). Since then I'm not sure I've done a stellar job at it - which isn't surprising that I've perhaps fallen back into my known habits, my natural habitat which was always prioritizing others needs over my own. It's like when they say on the airplane to put your own oxygen mask on first and then help others who need it like kids. I never understood that - no way was I putting on my own mask first. But reality is if you're not taking care of yourself you're not going to be able to help others to the best of your ability - so how can you ensure your own needs are met first?

Today I spent some time in my journal writing down what I need from a situation I'm in the midst of. I realized the majority of my ill feelings around it are that I haven't given myself the chance to gain this clarity and answer the simple question of what do I need from this person? Well, I have in the past but things grow and evolve and I hadn't checked in with myself recently. So I did and as soon as I captured it I felt somewhat better. And I realized that's only half of it - next I need to engage in a conversation about my needs. As much as it might feel against my grain - I'm practicing putting the mask on myself first - I know I deserve that. If I'm able to do that successfully then I know I'll be able to continue to show up in this relationship and it will be even better than it's been because I'll feel understood and my needs will be met.

What's an area in your life where something might feel off or incongruent? Have you considered what your needs are lately?