nothin' left to give

One of the things I had to reckon with in the Hoffman process was my pattern of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of mine – especially in relationships with men. Beyond that I also came to understand that my mom loved me in this all-encompassing way that I grew to understand as normal. So when I fall in love with someone, I love them in that way – I love them so completely - fiercely loyal, relentlessly passionate, and completely focused on their needs. It’s great for the other person…until it’s not, or it’s too much, or it’s not the love they know as normal.

But what about for me? Well that’s the new part – me even considering the impact this has on me. That’s one of the many powerful things I’ve taken from the Hoffman process – the fact that self love is survival. It’s not selfish, it doesn’t mean you’re self- centered and it’s not a bad thing. Further, setting boundaries for yourself and learning how to respect someone else’s is also quite healthy (and something that was not modeled to me – I learned either completely selfish or all about others needs despite your own).

I hope these things sound obvious to you as you’re reading because that means you’ve known this or you learned these lessons already which hopefully means you’re not suffering as a result of not knowing it. I decided on the hillside in St Helena during the Hoffman process that I’m done with suffering. I’m done with the all- encompassing love that ignores my own needs. I’m done not loving myself more than anyone else in the world.

In this very moment I realize I’ve actually got nothing left to give.

My past attempt at a real relationship, that I was convinced was my eternity, completely sucked me dry. Which led me to Hoffman. Which led me to now know I can never go back to living out my patterns. In working on myself, focusing on loving myself through my own heartbreak, my two businesses and my awesome clients, my life in general – I don’t have room to love in that all-encompassing way anymore. And beyond that I don’t have the energy or desire to pursue a man anymore – I’m (FINALLY) ready to feel/be pursued. 40 years later – ha! So bring it on because I need all the practice I can find in sitting back, being present, and allowing the man to do his share of the work.

I have a feeling I’m stumbling into a whole new world…and it feels pretty damn liberating. My curiosity is beyond peeked.

Once again, yee-haw!