one down, a million to go.

Everyone says that the "first" of each holiday after you lose someone of much significance--like your mom--is always the hardest. Well I have the pleasure of having my "first" Hallmark holiday since my Mom passed be Mother's Day. However, today isn't all that bad--at least not b/c it's Mother's Day. I went to get a manicure as mom and I always loved to do, sat at a special spot overlooking the ocean where I once took her and enjoy going back to and I decorated my ugly balcony with beautiful hanging baskets that I know she would love. And I got a big yellow one b/c that's her favorite color.

So after doing all that, I still say today wasn't that bad. It's every other day when society isn't "celebrating mom" that I have to wake up and face that she's not here. It's the fact that I've decided to take a break from the one thing in my life that has defined me--my career--and by putting that on the back burner it's forcing me to face the demon, grief. For the first time in I don't know how long, tomorrow/Monday morning, I'll wake up without a damn thing that I "have to do." And while that's so liberating in many ways, it also scares me b/c I've gotta find a way to accept the hand I've been dealt. I have to find a way to move past the most horrifying 35 days I experienced this past January & February. To try and get past the flashbacks. To accept something that was my biggest nightmare for a long, long time, is now a reality.

But in true Jen fashion, I'm gonna find the strength to run right into this challenge as I do every other challenge. And I'm going to say to myself, each day that passes I'm a day stronger. And while the hole in my heart will never, ever be filled b/c nothing can replace my Mom, I'm going to try and nurture it in a way that Mom would. Enjoy the simple things in life, indulge here and there, and find something to smile and laugh at each day. And to kick off this healing process--I'm freeing myself of technology. I've turned my cell phone off and put it in a drawer and I'm putting my laptop on limited access. I'm going back to when life was simple, uncomplicated and not so urgent. Clearly not forever, but for a few days I'm going to look to heal the good old fashioned way--with rest, peace and me, myself and I.

So, not to worry, I'll be back before ya know it. But for now...peace out :)