Deep thought.

I've been very inside my head over this past week, it's somewhat exhausting. just thinking about where i am personally and professionally and if life is where i want it to be right now. if i'm being honest there's been a little bit of feeling sorry for myself mixed in and just overall frustration. i know i've come so far over the last year w/ my grief and getting myself back on track to face life right in the eye and keep giving it all i've got. but sometimes i just get pissed at the world and all that happened this past year. i miss my mom and i'm mad that just about my entire time in LA has been focused around how to live w/o her. how to accept.

i came out here in sept 2009 with such aspirations and hope--i told my mom i was coming to paint my own canvas, to start anew. to find a kick ass job that i probably left behind in nyc many moons ago. and only a short 4 months later my world as i knew it was shattered and not only did i have to figure out how to pick up those pieces but i had to do it alone, in a new city where i had barely built up a network for myself. so i guess when i look back on my time here--it's mixed. because on the one hand: i survived. i can honestly say that i've survived my biggest fear in life, which was losing my mom. but it's also frustrating that that whole experience has become synonymous with what was meant to be a very different experience for myself here in LA. who's to stay where i'd be right now if all this didn't happen to my mom, one will never know. but it's tough not feeling like i sacrificed things b/c i was in survival mode and made certain decisions as a result of that. and now that i feel like i've come full circle in many ways, i'm trying to look forward to see what i first saw for myself back in sept 2009. and i guess what's hard is i'm having trouble seeing some of it and i can't help but feel i'm off track with what i set out to do...

And just as i've been feeling this way, an acquaintance from my high school who i recently reconnected with thanks to facebook dropped me a note this week that she would be in LA and did i want to meet for dinner. now while christina and i were never close friends in high school, she is someone that despite our prior relationship, re-appeared in my life during this past year. she got wind of what was going on w/ my mom, she engaged in the blog (so much so that she was even able to play back in great detail my dad's speech to my mom that was posted on the blog) and since then she's made a point to follow my blog on and off. and i'll never forget one day over the summer when i was definitely at a low point in my grieving process, she emailed me and said i've inspired her in such a way with my bravery and my ability to see what i needed for myself and just do it (quit my job) that she decided to leave her long time job at a law firm and take some time for herself and see what' s next for her. i remember being so moved by that email, it appeared at a time when i needed it and i'll never forget it.

so when christina reached out and asked to get together, i was honored to. last night we met up in santa monica, strolled along as we watched the sun go down and then went for a fabulous seafood dinner at one of my favorite local spots. we talked for hours and hours. it was such an inspiring conversation--we were able to give each other a perspective that the other wasn't able to see clearly for themselves, a perspective that we both so desperately needed to see and it was so incredible to experience that...esp with someone who hasn't been a "regular" part of my life. so after our dinner last night, i think we both walked away feeling better about some things. christina helped me see that i have done a ton of things for myself and toward my goals here in LA. and while i explained to her that she's right but many of those things i feel like i was just going through the motions in a complete fog of grief, she helped me see that they still count. and by no means has my time out here been only about grief, i've built quite a life and network for myself, in a pretty short time, so that all counts for something.

so rather than keeping to myself this weekend and going on a long drive alone which is what i was itching to do, i'm gonna join my group of gal friends, who god love them they always have a plan or something fun/interesting around LA going on. we're hitting some event downtown today and then of course we'll find some interesting watering holes to check out and tomorrow they've got a whole other agenda lined up for something fun/different. so that's my weekend...checking out more of LA which I love to do. this was a long one...thanks for reading :)