another layer deep

grief is a fascinating thing. just when you think you've moved through so much it strikes again. just when you think you might feel just a little reprise it gives you another dose to swallow. it fuckin sucks, excuse my french.

and everyone can tell you 'oh your mom is with you' and 'remember the happy times' and 'i know it must be hard' none of that means anything when you're steeped in grief. when all you want is your person to be back in your life--really, truly in your life. like when you've just made another big leap, probably the biggest leap you've made to date, a giant leap to leave your career, start a new one and do it on your own, completely on your own. aside from my decision to move to LA, this is the next biggest decision i've ever made and my mom's not here to support me. she's not here to tell me how proud she is. she's not here to tell me i'll be ok. she's not here to ask me questions that i'd probably get annoyed about but it's only b/c they would be questions i know i should be thinking about and having answers to. she's not here to listen to me day in and day out on the ups and downs of what this new path will continue to create for me. she's not here to send me a card for my new office. she's not here to call to in the middle of the day now that i have all the flexibility during my day that i never had before. she's not here to see how i've been able to pick myself up and somehow put enough pieces back together to make the most of what's happened to me by helping other people make more of their lives. she's not here. and it sucks. it really does. because i miss her soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much and at times it's just simply overwhelming.