a clearing

In the spirit of self awareness and holding myself accountable to being able to monitor my own patterns and stories (b/c we all have them) I recognized a pattern that doesn't serve me all that well. Yet, it hasn't been an easy one to break but I finally feel a great sense of progress so I wanted to share it -- b/c after all, it's so important to celebrate the wins!

In my "work life" I've always been relentless, a real go-getter and often someone who doesn't stop until it's done and done exactly the way that I envisioned it. As you can imagine, that strategy doesn't always work the same in other areas of life --namely dating. However (as shocking as it may sound) it's taken me a long time to see and accept that. What I've realized about myself is I tend to beat things to death when it comes to guys -- specifically guys who I like and really see potential in. Someones I don't even realize that the potential I see in them is more about the person who I believe they are underneath it all but not always realizing that may not be the ideal person for me. Yes I get caught up (or stuck!) on trying to make it work b/c I've convinced myself there's such potential. And so in the end I almost feel like I'm banging my head against the wall and getting the same results (ouch) yet it takes me way longer to walk away than one would think.

Lately, I've realized how the time frame that I go through this "process" of trying, holding on, banging against the wall has gotten shorter and shorter. And the ability to learn from my past and also feel the impact much earlier on has lead me to a shorter period of time where I'm "stuck" relentlessly trying to make something fit. So I haven't completely stopped yet, but I'm seeing major progress -- yay! And I attribute that progress to my own ability to know myself on a deeper level and to really know and feel how it is I want to be in a relationship and then be able to evaluate the person I'm "fighting for" against that. And then it starts to become pretty black and white -- that while there may be potential or whatever, it's not there now and as a result, it's not serving me and my needs. And that's been quite a shift for me when it comes to dating for me to finally prioritize my own needs. Not necessarily more than someone else, it is all about compromise, but holding myself to my own standards and making sure I'm not compromising what I want and deserve in order to meet someone else's needs. Again, it started with me getting REALLY clear on who I am and what I want in a relationship.

So coming off of a "high" of feeling like I've finally gotten the clarity I needed on a situation I was headed down that dangerous pattern with, I'm feeling lighter and I feel a sense of clearing. Like I've gone through this "process" now with a few situations over the last year and for the first time in I don't know how long I finally feel my path is clear. No baggage, no holding on to past hopes/dreams, no banging my head against the wall. I'm hopeful to say that's all done but as we all know, patterns have a way of rearing their ugly head again. But now I think I'll see it happening long before it takes me off course, which is ideal. I think I'm finally at Chapter 4 and feel ready for Chapter 5!

So looking ahead along this road called Life I see all wide open space ahead, the view is peaceful, beautiful and I can't wait to see what else I'll see as I continue along.