an exercise in healing

Many times I talk to people -- clients, friends, family -- who share things that are going on w/ them and it becomes clear that they haven't allowed themselves time to heal. Heal from what? Well loss, but loss of all different kinds. When we break up with someone or even have a short-lived relationship that doesn't pan out there is a loss, a loss of hope for what you wanted it to be, a loss of the person who's no longer your partner. Of course when someone dies, there's a loss, their absence is now so present vs their presence. When we loose a job, or even quit a job, there's a loss in what that relationship or dynamic was or the hope of that job taking you somewhere within the company or your career. Or maybe you had a falling out with a friend or a colleague and you're feeling a sense of loss from that. Or you wrote something and it didn't sell, how that can feel like a loss.

Well whatever it is, loss has a tendency to drive a lot of emotions. And unless we're able to feel those emotions and work through them, we're unable to heal. And what can happen when we don't allow ourselves to heal is it eats away at us and the emotions start to surface in other ways, when we least expect it. And we may not even realize or recognize that's what's happening.

So...if any of this is resonating with you, I have a suggestion. It's an exercise that I've done many times with a variety of different types of loss and I can assure you it's worthwhile. It's called writing an unsent letter. However, it's two part.

Before you go to write anything, carve out some time in your schedule where you can be free with this exercise and not feel time pressed. And pick a place you enjoy, where you feel comfortable and where you can be left alone and not get interrupted. When you're feeling ready follow the following steps:

First, write a letter to the person who you've experienced the loss with. And if it's a job or a career or something that isn't a person, either pick the person who's most directly associated with the loss occurring (i.e., boss who laid you off) or just write to the abstract thing - dear career in x. And write every single thing you have to say to this person. The good, the bad and the ugly. Get it all out. No one will see it so don't hold back.

Then, the second piece is writing a second letter. This time I want you to write a letter to yourself FROM the person who you wrote your first letter to. Write everything you wish that person would say to you. Everything you feel you deserve to hear. Again, write it all -- no one will read these but you so let it all out. Even if you can't imagine this person ever saying this stuff to you, still write it. Write whatever it is you wish you could receive in a letter from that person.

Then step back and reflect on both. What happened during the exercise? How did you feel during it? Was it emotional? Powerful? Hard? Easy? And how do you feel now?

I'd love to hear from you if you choose to try it (or just keep this in your back pocket for some day in the future when it might come in handy). Loss is a part of life but it's what we do to move through it that can be life changing.