a dream

The other night I had a dream, and my mom was in it. This is nothing new -- I used to have a reoccurring dream that I haven't had in over 6 months where my Mom is sick and we know she's dying but we're home from the hospital and we're living life together. We're able to talk and acknowledge that's she's sick and we're able to hug and cry about it. All things that we were robbed of during the terrible last 3 weeks of her life. I typically wake up out of breath b/c i'm crying so hard in my dream and usually it's a sign for me that I need to find a way to connect w/ my mom -- to let some thoughts and feelings run free. So I write in the journal that is made up of all letters to my mom since she's passed. And I find that helps a lot.

But this dream the other night was different. Something was going on where I was fighting with someone, not sure who, and i ran off and went to my bed to lay down and cry into my pillows. And I remember hearing someone come down the hall (I feel like I was in my childhood bedroom back in Radnor) and come in to check on me. And I remember I closed my eyes as if I was asleep b/c I didn't feel like talking about it but I knew it was my mom standing there, looking over me, and she just said to herself "awwww, jen" as if she was sad to know that I cried myself to sleep but it was also this message as I felt it lying there in my dream as "it's going to be fine, you just rest, and I'm always here." It was SUCH a strong feeling. And it was so weird, i was sleeping in real life and in my dream i was sleeping/laying w/ my eyes closed but it was as if I opened them my Mom would've been standing there -- her presence was so strong.

I know people say that those who have passed on can visit you in your dream. I believe that people can be somewhere b/w death and heaven, I was once told the term is they are a "spiritual guide" someone who's still able to send signals to the living. And I couldn't help but think a few things after this dream. One, was my mom "stuck" in the in between as a spiritual god looking over me this whole time and now she's fully moved on and that was a way she showed up in my dream differently -- like for the first time ever she was playing the supportive role, she was the mom she's always been to me in my dream vs me caring for her and us talking about how she's dying. And I also think the timing is quite serendipitous as I had just said to a friend this week that I realized I truly can't recall the last time I felt this happy. I'm talking over 5-10 years...can't recall. Truly happy with myself. And the thought of getting a dog just makes me so much happier that I can't even imagine how happy I'll be then. And so, somehow, after many years of trying to feel fulfilled and thinking it was the fact that I hadn't met a guy yet, I feel such an incredible sense of purpose w/ my life. I feel so incredibly happy just inside myself. No external factors (although I do truly LOVE living in LA), no one person driving this happiness, just me, myself and I. And so I can't help but wonder if my Mom knows that and somehow that's shifted something between our relationship. Maybe she was sending me a signal in my dream, maybe she is more at peace now b/c she knows I am, maybe all of that or none of it. But I just know for me, there's a feeling of calm and peace and I choose to believe she's feeling that too right now.