a message from a wise soul

You know when you wake up from a dream and your heart is racing and you're out of breath bc you are crying so hard in your dream? Well that was this morning for me. And the only time this happens to me anymore is when I dream about my mom. It used to be nightmares, all around her dying and us trying to spend the last months of her life in a way that we never could in real life -- at home. But this one was different.

She was dressed in a nightgown, almost like what I remember her buying for my nana, her mom. That part is so vivid. And we are in my childhood home, the same home she and my dad lived in for 40 years and the same home my dad is in now. And I'm walking around the home finding little memories that remind me of her in the kitchen etc and I'm looking for my brother Shawn to tell him how hard this is going to be when they are all gone. I find him, he says to me -- 'I know, it's just so sad, I can't talk about it,' but I can see he's been dealing with this for a while now since he lives nearby where for me it's hit me like a ton of bricks upon my first visit back since my dads news.

So I'm crying all by myself in the kitchen and there appears my mom. I tell her how I hate this and it doesn't feel right and how all our memories are being wiped away. She listens but then almost in this fairy like manner she just says 'that's not true Jen, you have them here in this home and with you always.' And I say no, your are this home and it's all going away now and she says 'but I'm not in the home anymore and I'm still with you.' I just cried and cried and she put her arms out and said 'look around, every memory you hold here is still yours, they are all in your heart.'

It was a surreal experience. Because anyone that knew my mom would know that she would comfort and assure me in that way but would also know that she'd be the first to make a comment about another woman moving into her home :) but in my dream she didn't go there, she was just this wise soul that stood before me telling me to always hold onto my memories and even though everything is changing, I will always have those, and her, with me.