rewrite your narrative to get what you want.

When I work with my coaching clients I listen carefully to hear what the story or narrative is that they are telling themselves. Often that narrative is one that is not in line with their goals / the very thing that they desire. And that's when it becomes necessary to re-write the narrative. This may sound simple, and by definition it is, but that doesn't mean it's easy. We are famous for telling ourselves all sorts of things even if they aren't grounded in total fact (more often grounded in emotion) and aren't serving our goals. So no, it's not easy to do what I suggest or otherwise we'd all be walking around thinking productive positive thoughts.

Here's the deal, as illustrated here, our beliefs (the narrative we tell ourself and come to believe about ourselves, someone else or a situation) drive our thoughts which then drive our behavior and that creates an outcome. If you want a different outcome, it's often not as easy as just changing your behavior. Because if you believe your behavior was right one time you're likely to repeat it as you may not even realize what's driving it. So you have to get down to the belief layer of what's going on and that's where a shift needs to occur.

I'll give you an example where I recently had my own ah-ha moment around how a story I was telling myself was driving my actions and not generating the outcome I was so (somewhat desperately) trying to create. I have a friend who's going through something incredibly painful right now, in essence grief. He's shown behaviors that are inconsistent with what I know to be true of him. I didn't realize but I had created a story in my mind that this was personal - an inconsistency between his words and his actions and as a result he was disrespecting me. That was making me want to call him out on that and even continue to reach out giving him a chance to be consistent. But it wasn't until I realized that the things he's doing are in direct correlation to his situation, not me. And what was such a powerful insight was it's the SAME behaviors I illustrated when I was grieving. Inconsistent behavior like not returning phone calls, not even to my best friends, shutting out those who love me, canceling plans, only dealing with my shit in therapy and no where else, wanting to feel a certain way but instead feeling completely awful, the list goes on.

So when I realized this I said to myself - how would my behavior (and expectations) change if I told myself this friend is steeped in something that is just like grief and as a result is in survival mode and not showing up as his best self? How would I treat him and the situation differently? I'd back off, give space, be empathetic, compassionate, and expect very little if anything in return. I would reach out occasionally in an effort to show support but not wanting and expecting anything in return. That's what people did for me and it was their empathy, compassion, patience and acceptance of the process that helped me to heal.

This shift has completely changed my behavior and as a result the interactions and connection between me and my friend. Finally. Not sure why I didn't get this sooner but the important thing is that I did, and then I re-wrote the narrative based on the belief that I shifted away from his actions being about me/personal and back onto him/his situation. 90% of the time someone's behavior is 100% about them and not you - we/our ego make it about us.

So what story are you telling yourself? Is it serving you? Do you perhaps have to work on shifting one of your own beliefs? I'd love to hear more....