the never ending journey

Just when you think you might have a handle on things you realize your grief is still as strong as ever. I keep having the same dream about my mom, that we know she's dying but we have some time to deal with it, talk about it, be together, cry together. Something we didn't really have. And while in many ways I'm glad her illness didn't drag, especially with how sick she was, b/c I know for her sake she wouldn't have wanted that. But it's really hard that we didn't really see what was happening until it was happening. And as a result, I guess i feel a sense of unfinished business. Not necessarily things I wish I said b/c one thing I'm so grateful for is that my mom and I shared some many beautiful words and written sentiments--we know how much we loved each other and how proud and grateful we were for one another. But it's more that we never really talked about what was happening, that she was dying, and in light of that news, what would we have said to each other. I guess it's something that still haunts me.

So i'm attempting to write in a journal, things to my mom that I wish I could ask her or I wish I could share. We'll see how that goes and hopefully it will help ease the upsetting dreams. But it's times like this that I miss being near my family. Because I know they know how I feel and while we are each working through this in our own way, we're all on parallel paths. And that does make it hard to be 3000 miles away.

But even with those overwhelming feelings of sadness and missing everyone at home, I still firmly believe that things happen the way that they should and I came here for a reason. I'm not sure that reason has been realized yet, in fact I know it hasn't as my life feels a bit upside down these days but I believe one day I'll know why. So I continue along my journey. And each day when I run along the beach path, when I'm finished I stop off at the outlook that I took Mom to and I listen to Forever Young and remind myself that she's still rooting me on and I wipe away the tears, get back up again and smile at the ocean hoping she's smiling back at me.